Widows in our culture

There is an issue very special to my heart when I think of my culture/religion/scriptures, and that is the treatment of widows. Hindu widows are traditionally supposed to shave their head, wear white cotton clothes, consume very simple food (they have to fast most of the time), they aren't supposed to wear any jewellery/make up/bright clothes. In other words, it's a very sad colourless life for them... I appreciate the background for this kind of lifestyle. A widow wouldn't want to look attractive because she didn't want any undesirable attention, a widow would be so sad without her husband, that she wouldn't have any interest to take part in any festivities or indulge in anything materialistic (fine clothes, food, jewellery, socializing et al). Being so sad all the time, naturally she will harbour a lot of grief, sorrow, a miserable life, full of negative energy... So that's not very auspicious, she wouldn't want any newly wed girl to have her kind of life, so she really can't bless anybody.. I see a widow as a victim, a victim of terrible fate, she loved somebody all her life, just like I adore my husband, she had wonderful dreams, she feels cheated by fate, she is all alone today, wondering where her husband must be, how he must be, she must be feeling so lonely in life, words cant express the feeling of helplessness & loneliness, her entire life passed like a dream, now she is stuck in a nightmare, all alone.... But in our culture, rather than sympathise with this victim of fate, why did our society start treating them as vermin, treating them as ill omen, treating them worst than animals? Like starving them, forcing them to remain indoors, not letting them take part in society, which is why some of them were forced into prostitution to feed themselves. Especially, what about child widows, little girls whose boy husbands died? The little girl doesnt even know that her parents got her married when she was 1 yr old, and that her supposed boy husband died in his own house when she was 2 yrs old, and now she is a widow, condemned to a life without joy? She is chaste, she knew no love in her life, she didnt even have any relation in life even at an emotional plane! The logic behind not letting such little girls remarry was as follows: a husband-wife are supposed to be married for the coming seven lives, so now that her husband is dead, she should wait to die too, so that they can marry in their next life... But when a woman who has mothered 15 children with a man dies, he is not bound by that husband-wife-have-seven-lives rule, he can remarry soon after the dead body is cremated! Thank God such things like child widows aren't prevalent in main stream Indian society today, thanks to the efforts of some social reformers like C.Rajagopalachari, and Sister Subbalakshmi (who founded the Sharada school in Madras, affiliated to the RamaKrishna Math, I really admire her, she was a child widow, but her father had the dream & courage to educate his girl so that she wouldn't suffer a lonely dependent life, and she went on to start a school for child widows)... But I still dont understand, why is it great in our poojas to pray to "akhanda saubhagyavatis" ( a term that means a woman who dies before her husband), why is it every woman's dream to be a perfect pativrata (doting chaste wife) by dying before her husband? I think such women are selfish, they just want to live a comfortable happy life & die before their husbands. In my eyes, the real heroine is the widow, the widow who loves her husband, who cares for him all her life, who misses him for the rest of her life, and dies a lonely death. She has spared her husband all the misery of a lonely life, a loveless life. There was a gentleman I knew in Delhi in my childhood, a Mr.Rao, a widower, his dead body wasn't noticed for 2 days after he died a lonely man in his flat, he used to always complain that his doting wife made him a 'cripple', he didnt know how to go on with his life after her death, he found it very hard, he missed her terribly, he died a miserable lonely death with failing health, nobody to accompany him to the doctor, noone to cook his food, noone to comfort him, noone to watch him eat, to sleep next to him... God knows where his wife was, perhaps she was waiting for him in heaven, or probably she took birth as a boy (so that Mr.Rao can take birth as a girl, and they can then get married again in the next life as per the seven-lives belief)... But my vote lies with the widow, my heart bleeds for her, she has been wronged by society, she has spared her husband mountains of lonely trauma that she undergoes instead of him, she is by her husband's side until his last breath, and then waits for her own death, while praying that they both be reborn in their next life to be husband-wife again!!! She is the real selfless pativrata deserving to be worshipped, and certainly deserving some compassion if nothing else! She has been wronged by her sisters, other women, who should actually understand her plight better than anyone else, but instead spend their lives ill treating her, aspiring to be akhanda saubhagyavatis. I really feel that women dont have rights because other women dont give them the rights! It's not really a man dominated world, this is a world where women dont have self respect, their hearts are so clouded with aspiring to be the perfect wife, that they dont even realise how they are compromising, how they are throttling their own feelings, how they are promoting a system of self-torture. I gave an example of a lady in Hindu society, but I see this repeated in all societies, and across various spheres of women's rights, thought this article only focused on the theme of widowhood. One very blessed widow I admire, is Mata Sarada devi. After her husband Ramakrishna Paramhamsa died, she continued living life as a married woman, because she said that though her husband had died in the material world, his atma (soul/spirit) lives on, and she is married to him forever, and remains his spiritual bride even beyond his worldly death. That is the beauty of Hindu philosophy, women can generate so much self respect & confidence from within themselves if only they look beyond the cloud of compromise & self-censorship. It is not a crime to want to be happy, it is not a crime to have some feelings, it is not a crime to be yourself, it is certainly not a crime to harbour self-respect inside our heart, not everything needs to be done with a please-the-man, conform-to-the-society attitude of self-censorship & self-throttling.

And O no, we're not doing anything outside of our scriptures, for during the Vedic period, widows were allowed freedom, they were allowed to smile and be happy, it wasn't yet a crime. They were even encouraged to re-marry if they desired, just like men. But somewhere down the line, the culture changed and society reached a dark degraded state of gender inequality. Go back to the Vedas and be proud of yourself Miss, Mrs. or Ms.