On the eve of Gundu's birthday

February 22nd 2010:

On the eve of Gundu's 27th birthday... 27 years of life. 27 = 30-3. Three years away from being 30 years old.

She makes me feel old, she's not much older than me, so I feel like I will be there too very soon, though she would have gone ahead by the time I catch up to that spot.

We started life in the same house, nobody's been there other than both of us, she was its first occupant, I was the second, though both of us have no memories of life in that sack which housed us, nourished us, grew us enough to thrust us out into this world.

It amazes me, that there is another person out there in the world who shares my parents' genes with me. Somebody so different from me. Growing up, we used to almost look like twins, not much of an age gap, similar body frames, similar matching clothes, just that I was darker, she was a lot fairer, some of my mother's colleagues mistook us as fraternal twins. That is how we were- inseparable. Yet how different we grew up to be as adults.

If there is one person who loved me so much in life, I tasted that love first with her. Right from when I was a clot of blood, she was eager to have me in her life, she was only 1.5 years old, just learning to speak when I was born. If the adults tucked me away somewhere out of her sight & I continued to sleep silently, she would ask them with great worry, "Chillelu edi?" (Where is little sister?).

Family counselors warn would-be-parents on how to handle a jealous older sibling upon the birth of a second baby. My parents never had to deal with that, Gundu loved me so much, she was ever there to defend me if dad was strict with me, I remember her arguing with him in my defense while I cried.

As a toddler, if I wanted to switch the lights on & off and Tittu didn't let me, Gundu would protest, 'Veyyaniyyi chellelu ni, cheyyaniyyi! ' (Let little sister do it, don't stop her).

When she was 3.5 years old and I was 2 years old, my father took us shopping. I fell down on the way back and cried with a scraped knee. Papa's hands were full of shopping bags. Gundu said, "Nanna, ivvanni nenu mostanu, nuvvu chellelu ni ettuko" (Dad, I'll carry all these, you please take little sister into your arms).

I always saw her as my big elder sister, my guide, my pole star, the Ms.Know-it-all, my repository of knowledge.

I wasn't an attentive student at school, Gundu taught me maths, physics, chemistry, civics, geography, just on the day before the final exam, I would scrape through because of her, I excelled & stood class first because of her. My child brain couldn't understand the concept of division, the concept of fractions, the conventions of algebra, she could place herself in my shoes and guide my deviant thinking onto the right path. I was pretty much nothing other than a copy-cat in my early years. I copied what Gundu wore, I craved for Gundu's advice, I wanted to do everything that Gundu did. I didn't want to go to school if Gundu was sick, I wouldn't want to attend music class if Gundu didn't go along. I made myself Gundu's shadow, I couldn't do anything if Gundu wasn't beside me, and I could do everything with Gundu by me.

At two instances in life, she actually saved me. Once from getting lost, another time from death. I vividly recall those details, if Gundu hadn't been there by my side, I would have been a lost orphan. And most certainly dead at 9 years of age on a Holi Purnima day. I shudder when I recollect that.

As we grew older, our characters changed phenomenally. Gundu no longer liked me copying her, she wanted to be different, if I saw her wear a particular dress and I wore my identical one, she would immediately change her clothes! I used to feel so frustrated, Gundu refused to give me straight answers for all my doubts, she told me to use my own head & be original. Gundu loved picking at my faults, she loved exhibiting them (blown out of proportion) out to the public, confusing me further if I asked her a doubt, thoroughly enjoying my discomfort. Gundu didn't want me talking to her in school, she stopped visiting me during lunch breaks, she told me to pretend like we don't know each other.

At one point in life, I chose a different line in academics, so the tuition sessions stopped. We no longer had common subjects, we had a very different study schedule. I had to struggle alone, I could no longer run to her for advice in things foreign to her. I stopped asking Gundu for her advice by and by, I learnt how to survive alone. I developed myself, I realized that I didn't need to be her shadow, I was astounded when Ustadji once told me during a solo music class that I had a much sweeter voice. By and by, with a lot of initial struggle, I gave up being Gundu's shadow, I don't know how far I managed it, perhaps not in it's entirety, in times of trouble, it was Gundu I ran to, whether she liked it or not!

The school going Gundu was a very duty-bound girl, while I was a in-my-own-world free bird. College is very different, nobody tells you what to do, you have to decide what you want out of life. My confidence grew as I started dealing with subjects of my choice/interest at my own pace. Whereas Gundu, she didn't believe in making safe wise choices, Gundu loved to defy the standards and experiment. If you drew a line & told Gundu not to step further, she would promptly step out of line. Sometimes she proved herself right & set her own standards. Gundu was always confident, sure of what she wanted, whereas I thought myself incapable. I constantly sought my mother's guidance/approval out of insecurity. Gundu occasionally sought parent's help to get her out of the troubles that she experimented with. Gundu's philosophy was very simple, life should be enjoyed today, tomorrow never happens. In my mind's eye, I can picture those two almost-twins, 9 & 7 years old, in the summer of 1992... Gundu & I, bound to each other with a pale blue chunni tied up in knots, we pulled & tugged in opposite directions. Tittu shouting at us for having ruined the chunni. It was Gundu's chunni, she never thought of saving for tomorrow, she used up her chunni right then. I saved my chunni, it was there with me till the other day (until Air India ate it up). That chunni tugging game, I never realized, that's how our lives would turn out, both of us tugging & seeking in different directions.

Something very surprising started happening in our later years, Gundu started seeking my advice, Gundu started copying me, if we had to go to a party, Gundu would ask me what I was going to wear, what should she wear, Gundu wanted to discuss things with me. Gundu felt I was better than her in a lot of things, it was surprising to see Gundu's burnt fingers, it was surprising to see her stumble.

It was surprising how little I knew about Gundu, how little she knew about me, I always missed her after she shed me. She grew tired of the baby in me, and it took me time to accept my orphan status. We grew up to be perfectly juxtaposed at a material & philosophical level: I never cared about my things, Gundu was a meticulous planner & arranged all her things, her room, in such an organized way. I spent a lot of my time thinking, I always wanted to please my loved ones, I always wanted to organize my thoughts and evaluate my karma, Gundu's thoughts were never organized, they were always recylced & replaced, thinking is of no use to people who live in today, they don't plan their karma.

Now we both are so much older, that the age gap seems insignificant. Looking back, I realize, she needed as much care as I did, only that we didn't realize that she was as vulnerable as me, as little as me, she was always big in our eyes. I just wonder, could life have been any different if I occupied the sack before her? Perhaps I wouldn't have shed her like she shed me.

Today, we are two grown up women, living on two different continents, each on one corner of the earth. Nevertheless, our genes bind us forever, that sack which birthed us, that umbilical cord, that blue chunni knotted on a summer afternoon, tied us for a lifetime.

Gundu, you have been a major force in my life, life would have never been the same without you, nobody impacted me as much as you did, nobody made me think as much as you did. I can say with certainty, God made us meet  because you had/have a phenomenal role to play in my quest for moksha, in one life with you, I experienced emotions & events worth a thousand lives. And yet, you're only 27 years old today!

Wishing Gundu a very happy 27th birthday, in a life where we strive to comprehend  & take control over the power of emotions & the God that created them from within us. For from within our emotions can we experience God, and from within those emotions can we unleash the devil.
(Three cheers to all the cherubic and devilish things we did! :-)  )

Update 2014:
Much has happened in the four years after I wrote this out for you. I am thirty this year, aunt to a handsome nephew, mom to a cute boy... Discussing Nandu & Summu's activites, we relive our childhood constantly, wondering if we can provide as fun & wholesome a childhood to our kids as ours was?
It is sometimes chilling to notice Nandu exhibit some habit that I have (itching at my nose in a  particular fashion :D), shows how strong genes are, after all, blood is thicker than water!
That blue chunni must be definitely there in those Delhi trunks, along with the shocking pink & black chunnis that had glitter pressed into them.
Life doesn't feel as king sized as it did when we were tiny, nothing makes me as happy as the feeling of jumping into that box bed Tittu opened every six months to welcome the change of seasons: the putting out of warm clothes, putting away summer clothes, that exciting endless cycle.
One person that has always been there for me every single day as I struggled with my pregnancy & raising Summu, is didi, with as much concern as when she was a toddler.
Living half way across the globe from each other, there is nothing much one can do regarding physical assistance. But the moral support has been immesurable. One person I can just call & discuss all my frustrations... Wait, I don't even bother to make that call, didi always calls me up :)
Thanks didi for being there for me, I love you so much, our kids will grow, we will grow old, but we are just didi-chellelu in our eyes, it's our little secret, a feeling only our hearts will knowl, even when we are sixty!
The other day Summu was looking quizzically at the picture hanging in the bedroom, two little girls with bobbed hair, in pavadaas (traditional long skirts), I explained to him that it is his peddamma & mommy, he found it hilarious & laughed a lot. Just the way we laughed when we saw old pics in Punjagutta :)
Many happy birthdays to you, to me, my pyari didi :-*

Signs that we are no longer newly married!

Wow, I can't believe it's been over an year since we're married!
They say couples change after marriage, after all change is part of life! It is said in Telugu and I translate, "Six months of living together makes him her and makes her him". Living together brings lots of change in life, both spouses adjust to accommodate each other's habits into their joint life. Even without realizing, we lend some habits, and borrow some. :-)

I feel like I have been in this relation for so long because:

1. We're both done with the habit exchange:
It is so funny, when we were newly married, I was a no-chillies-zone, and husband was a no-Non-Indian-food-zone, in fact an I-prefer-Telugu-food-zone.
Now, husband loves pasta, and I adore Aavakaaya!  Now he begs me to please not eat so much green chilli chutney because it's bad for health. And several times, he requested me to cook pasta, noodles, he loves my Gujarati daal, lobia... I have changed too, I learnt how to make upma, sambar, charu, all to get his attention ;-)
But all that experimentation happens in the first year of marriage, you're changed enough by the end of the year, and now I can hear him say, "O I don't like moong daal, I only like Mudda pappu". :-D And I can hear myself say, "If you don't like halva, don't eat it, I am going to make it for myself". :-D

2. Every husband greatly admires his newly wed wife's cooking, it is amazing, it is out of this world, wow, how talented my wife is. Even the wife is very excited to try out new stuff & please her husband. Now, we're more into, "It's your turn to cook, no, it's your turn, no don't make that same thing again," etc... :-D And, if I make something new, like I made kajjikayalu the other day, I get the reaction, "O this must be easy right?" :-))

3. Earlier, my husband had the interest to read, react & comment on everything I wrote, now he's least bothered about reading anything that I write out, probably because now he's finished "phasaoing" me? ;-) He's not peeped into my blog even once, imagine! Whereas if this had been before our wedding, husbandji would have filled up my blog with his comments, hehehe. Also, now that I am so close by, he finds me less intelligent, less practical and more stubborn. ;-)))))))

4. All married men suffer from the syndrome of not being able to remember dates. My darling husband had an early onset of that disease, he couldn't remember dates even while we were engaged, but he's totally gone overboard now! Earlier, he used to remember the year, month and week, he was only confused about the exact date. Now, he can't even recollect the year or the month! O MY GOD :-)) I shouldn't be too surprised if he forgets our wedding anniversary & birthdays by next year. :-P

5. I was being a very good wifey doing ALL the housework. Husband was being a very good hubbie sincerely offering to do ALL the housework, while I refused his help, and he insisted on helping me. Now, we've exchanged roles, I am ready to let him do it, and he only offers half heartedly. :-D In fact, I have delegated some chores exclusively to him, and he's delegated some exclusively to me.

6. I realized the other day, that this year, it will be 10 years since we first met, 5 years since we expressed love, 4 years since we asked our parents for consent, 2 years since our wedding. Wow, so many years, that makes "US" sound old! :-P And of course, going by point number 4, I am the only one keeping count, husbandji won't remember most of the dates! :-))

7. We're done with exchanging all the family stories and gossips that tail a wedding.

8. A newly married couple's house is full of new things. Our house seems to be full of aging old things now, the utensils are no longer shiny, we've had a few replacements/repairs/maintenance, a lease renewal, a broken cup, all these things are reminders of time passing by!

9. Newly married couples have sooo much to talk about, especially if the wifey is a chatterbox like me and the hubbie is a self-proclaimed-philosopher like mine. I think we're done with that phase, now one of us reads a book while the other is busy on the laptop or studying or cooking. And imagine, there is cricket in our lives now, hubbie insists on watching cricket on some weekends!! Actually I still believe we talk a lot more than ordinary couples, because I am one big yackity yack yack. But we're back to our earlier routine of being book-worms. Books made us friends, books drew us together, we dumped the books for a while, but we're back to them now.

All in all, I must say, the first few years before & after marriage are the best part of life! It is so nice to know every morning when I wake up, that I am somebody's world, and somebody's my world.
If I had to power to rewind/fast-forward/replay my life, I would replay these parts of life again and again! :-)
As we grow older and look back on our lives, these are the parts of life that we recollect, how it was to be in love, how it was to get married, how it was when we started a journey in togetherness. Just like I always asked my mommy how she felt when she first saw papa, and how papa felt when he first met mommy, and how they both felt when they were newly married, and how they felt when they knew of my existence...hmmmm.
Mommy joked that I would forget her after my wedding, as I would be busy living my own life. But I recollect her every moment, now that I experience the joys that she experienced once upon a time! It's every woman's story. I think of how my mom-in-law must have felt thirty years ago when she was a newly wed daughter-in-law. It is amusing, how we start life with a new family name, but it becomes our own with time, and we become part of the culture it carries.
Once upon a time, my mother-in-law & I started life in different families, today we both share the same family name, and the love for the dear sweet fellow who links both of us.
I think I inherited this thinking gene from mom. :-O

Signs that I am growing old

1.When I watch a movie, I notice that all newcomer actors/actresses are younger than me.

2. Most athletes/models/singers/divas are younger than me.

3. I have crossed the permissible legal age barrier for all activities (Driving, Age of consent for marriage, Drinking, Smoking, Drugs, "Adult" rated movies, Gambling at a casino).

4. I am over 25 years old now. That is a quarter century. Scientists say that the average lady looks most radiant, at her best, between 16-25 years of age. Which means that my radiance & best-look are now waning ;-) Thank God my husband got to see my best-look before it started waning :-D

5. How could I forget to mention this one, I am married!

6. ALL of my cousins and MOST of my husband's cousins are married.

7. MOST of my friends are married.

8. So many of my friends and cousins have children, so now my husband & I are aunty-uncle to a bunch of kids.

9. When I recollect memories from my childhood, I realize that they are all from over 15-20 years ago.

10. When I come across movies/songs from my childhood, I realize they too are from over 15-20 years ago.

11. I have seen some brands die! Binnies, Hullygully, FunFlips, Crax, Uncle Chipps, Ruffles, Breeze soap, TCity chai, they're all dead or shrunk or significantly made-over! The more dead brands you see, the older you are.

12. A few acquaintances actually asked me when I plan to have kids! :-O

13. Some kids' mom told them to call me aunty.

14. My husband is nearing "30"!!

15. This year is ten years since I met my husband, o me Gawd that's a decade, are we growing old!

16. I can now measure events from my childhood in decades: 1 decade, 1.5 decades, 2 decades.

17. Now that my mom is not just my mom, but a grandmom, that definitely makes me feel OLD.

Pranayama- The gift of life

When everything fails, I turn to pranayama.  When everything fails me, Pranayama embraces me and provides me the soothing solution.

I suffered a huge ever-present headache for three days, I consumed two panadols one after another. I consumed a third one the next morning. It didn't make a difference. The pain was gnawing through the right side of my head, circulating through my jaws, my teeth, my eyes, the skin on my skull, my neck, it was omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent, a life of it's own, terrible. I forgot how it was to be normal, I lay supine with my eyes covered, the blinds drawn, the darkness provided some respite.

Finally I remembered, why didn't I try pranayama, and I did it for ten minutes, felt the pain ebbing away. During some breathing cycles, I was in a painless state, a miracle, a hallucination, what was this?

Mudra pranayama hits the nail right on its head, I maintained that mudra for hours after, it stayed by me as my nurse, and nursed me back to health.

And I thanked God, to have birthed me as part of this wonderful culture which gifted me the secret of pranayama, that I turn to as a last resort when everything eludes me.

Homosexuality amongst humans- my perception

Of late, I have watched a few thought provoking documentaries on homosexuality (gays, lesbians).

I wrote "amongst humans" in my title, because my blog entry is limited to that sphere. Contrary to the biblical belief that homosexuality is an unnatural perversion amongst humans, recent research shows that it is a genetic trait present in most species, naturally occurring in the wild. Take for example, the story of Roy and Silo, a pair of gay penguins from the New York Central Park Zoo. When scientific research is exploring the possibilities of a 'gay' genetic trait, isn't it time that we accept homosexuality at least as a genetic abnormality/disease instead of as a crime?

I felt really sad for Jewish orthodox and muslim gays. Jewish orthodox gays/lesbians are ostracized from society, their families and friends refuse to mix up with them, what a lonely life. Muslim gays are actually the worst off, they face capital punishment in muslim majority countries that follow sharia law, they have to flee their country or die. Most mullahs know about homosexuality only from what they've read in the Holy Qu'ran, the Lot/Sodom/Gomorrah story, where cheap gays were ready to rape anybody who ventured into their village, so they instantly identify homosexuality with cheap anti-social violent behavior.

What I found very interesting (and felt very proud about), Indian mullahs seem to be the most educated/aware, one of them actually reconciled science with religion. He advised the gay to please visit a psychologist and seek professional counselling, because it is a problem of the mind that won't be accepted in muslim society. He sympathised with the man, but told him in clear terms that it is not acceptable, and a doctor's help should be sought. I also noticed that Indian muslim men are most reconciled/ fatalistic/hopeful about the condition. One gay man said with resignation, 'God made me this way, He gave me a girl's heart with a man's body, He will guide me through life as per His plan, surely He had some plan in mind when He created me different from others. Nobody should think that God isn't there for them, God is there for everybody, heterosexuals, women, homosexuals, prostitutes, everybody .'.

I was trying to think over what my own religion (Hinduism) says about gays/lesbians. Anything in excess is bad in Hinduism, it is all about spirituality, moderation, mental control of the sensory organs and control of emotions. So categorizing something as "wrong" or "right" usually depends on its consequences. Homosexuals don't cause harm to others, they have certain desires, but their desires don't interfere with another person's right to existence. "Live, and let live" can be the broad motto of Hinduism. Homosexuality is not encouraged, nor accepted, but it is understood that God made them that way. Homosexuals are sympathized with for their condition, since God made them that way, and they are left to be. They are not hounded or killed, but they are made fun of, often ridiculed. That is from the perspective of a spectator. Whereas from the perspective of the "sufferer", Hinduism will advise him to try to bring his senses under control, try meditation, yoga, prayer, because any kind of excessive physical desires or indulgence are not a way to moksha. All of us suffer from our own share of vices or emotional addictions, so it becomes a journey of self discovery, introspection and self correction. However, a spectator cannot judge the sufferer or take away his right to life.
India inherited common law from England which outlawed homosexuality. However, these laws have been seldom enforced by the Government, it is more of a not-addressed or silent issue. It is only now in recent times that these outdated & unused laws are being questioned, repealed/updated.
I was really surprised, that in the 'Islamic' Pakistan, an annual Urs is celebrated for a muslim baba who was in love with a hindu lad, the couple's life is celebrated at the dargah every year.

As for my personal opinion, I thank God for having made me "normal", I feel bad for all the "decent" gays/lesbians who are ridiculed & forced to live a lonely life. I believe there are cheap people across all cultures, like there are men who molest women, men who disrespect women. Similarly, there are gays who act solicitous & cheap (like the ones from Sodom/Gomorrah who raped any visitor who ventured into that village), these are the ones who are feared by society. There are some irritating confused cheap uneducated young men in India who cross dress, behave lewd, they may not even be gay, perhaps they are experimenting, and very loud show off, pushy kind, they pile themselves on us and make us feel uncomfortable in public places, with solicitous puckering of lips et al. But I met a few nice decent educated gays who just want what we want in life- a decent quiet relation with love, they live normal lives in all other respects, they seek education, they seek knowledge, they love music, they admire art, they are just like us in every way, except that they love a person from the same sex. But they love that person with as much commitment, integrity & intensity as we do. The only sin they commit, is that they loved! Is 'loving someone' such a big sin? How is it that in this world, we are ready to accept violent people, corrupt people, money minded people, chauvinists, ill-mannered egoists, just because they are all heterosexual, whereas we can't accept a homosexual, only because they loved the wrong person? Now that is VERY mean.

I have seen rampant eve teasing in Hyderabad (India), I have been a victim several times. How come this cheap behavior is tolerated on Hyderabad's roads just because it is done by heterosexual men? Whereas gay men are hounded down in the name of conservatism, with people ready to kill them. Being a woman, I have felt much more respected & safe when surrounded by gays, at least they don't eve tease me, and they understand how it is to be vulnerable in life. And the only thing I value in life is education (not literacy, but education). It is safe to be in the company of an educated, rather than an uneducated, it doesn't make a difference if he is heterosexual or gay. However, it is not like I would want to cultivate such a relation in my personal life. I say this because someone once quipped at me, "If you are really as liberal as you claim to be, you shouldn't mind it if your husband turns out to be gay!".
Well, I am conservative about my own life, because I want to make my own choices. However, I do not want to force choices on others or judge them, let them decide their life and sort it out with God, I am liberal to the extent of sympathizing and letting them live, I am ready to share this earth with them, and treat them as equals... But not a lover, because I am not wired that way, I very much wanted a guy husband and not a gay husband! :-)

Lastly, if gays are so discriminated against in some societies, I can't even begin to think of how lesbians must be, because even straight women don't get much respect from their husbands or rights from society sometimes.

Kashmir mess

Mr.Chidambaram has announced that he welcomes the return of all "Indian" Kashmiris who crossed over to PoK in 1989.

I am wondering, how come all of the people living in PoK are Indians for Congress Party, but Congress Party very nicely "gifted" PoK land to Pakistan. So we should keep surrendering land to Pakistan while welcoming population to cross over, how interesting.

First of all, the Indian Govt & army has already made a soup of the Kashmir that is under Indian control. The army is accused of human rights violations/abuse against civilians. The army is feared & hated there, it is not revered & respected. Indians don't even feel safe going to the Indian administered part of Kashmir. Kashmiri pandits, buddhists, sikhs from that region are refugees living all over India, they can't even step into Indian administered Kashmir. Ordinary pro-Govt Kashmiri muslims are systematically threatened & eliminated by the militants. Kashmir today is not what it was even a decade ago. The voice of the moderate Kashmiris is silenced, only fundamentalists can live there in peace. Ordinary citizens are meanwhile harassed by the army. So can Mr.Chidambaram tell us what the Govt plans to do about this kind of mess, before welcoming more people in to join the mess?

Look at China, look at Pakistan, they repopulate areas which they capture. China has systematically introduced Chinese culture into Tibet and taken over its economy with Chinese settlements. That is what Pakistan has also done in PoK, systematic Pakistani settlements in Kashmiri areas.

Whereas on the Indian side, the Government is soft with the actual militants, harasses civilians (women don't feel safe with army men around), the Government offers no protection for the Pandits, Sikhs & moderates who had to flee as refugees. If it is Indian territory, why can't an ordinary Indian citizen go settle down in Indian administered Kashmir? Kashmiri non-muslims are threatened by militants, so they flee, and they lose their property rights if they marry outside the clan. So effectively, it is a systematic "depopulation" over time. If things go on this way, say 30 years down the line, I really wonder as an Indian citizen, what is our stake in Kashmir, why does Kashmir belong to India, if all non-muslim Kashmiris are thrown out & settle elsewhere, and all muslim Kashmiris are indoctrinated to love Pakistan (1. because of the glorious omnipresence of brainwashing militant factions whom the Govt fails to flush out, 2. army further earns the ire of civilians who are harassed, 3.any moderate muslims are threatened or gunned down by militants).

Congress & all those who are pro-congress, should realize that Islamic militants don't care about Gandhian ways of doing things. Mahatma Gandhi told us to offer another cheek if someone slaps us on one cheek. He was dealing with the British administration which at least had some kind of law & order. Whereas with armed 'jihadist' militants, they don't give you the chance to offer your other cheek, they'll go straight for your throat. And when Indian Government holds talks with Pakistan's Government, God only knows how fruitful such talks can be, since the civilian government in Pakistan is so threatened by its own nightmares. How do you talk to someone when they are not in control of their own land?

Does that make peace impossible? No, hope is what makes a human being live, and I believe in hoping for peace. Also, changing times bring a change in peoples, change in opinions, change in ground facts. Now that the fundamentalists have started fomenting trouble within Pakistan, Pakistani citizens will definitely wake up to do something about them, that in itself will solve the militancy problems faced by the subcontinent, at least I hope. For if militancy ends (whatever be the reason or force behind its demise), all the problems in Afghanistan/Pakistan/Kashmir will end.

Nowadays I am wondering, if the whole of the civilized educated literate world believes in peace and wants to combat terrorism, where are these militants buying weapons from? A powerful bomb blast every other day, who sells them these weapons & ammunition? Obviously they are not empowered enough to have manufacturing facilities (beyond some crude country-made devices), wither comes this unending supply? Once upon a time, the Pakistan Army/ISI funded them. But what is their current source now that Pakistan has turned its back on them?

The price of progress

I am trying to ask myself nowadays, how many people do I meet?

It feels like I am in touch with the whole world with all the internet & social networking. But I am wondering, how many REAL people are there in my REAL life. People who are not just emails, photos, wall posts. But people who are voices, bodies, reactions. 

Living in a highly mechanized and automated society, sometimes I am so isolated that I don't see anybody other than my husband for almost 3 weeks! Then there is a friend or two once in a while. 

If I were in Kenya, I would have at least seen the watchman, the driver, the maid, the milkmaid, vegetable vendors, shop assistants.. There's nothing here, I wonder when I last spoke to a stranger face to face! 

It is amazing, that New York city is one of the world's densest in terms of population, but here I am, isolated in this ocean of people, it's like 'water water everywhere but not a drop to drink'. 

It's not that I suffer from loneliness, I have enough friends online. But there is this realization, that the virtual me seems to be overtaking the real physical me. 

Mankind first evolved and civilization could progress because human beings communicated a lot. But now, with this degree of progress & mechanization+automation, physical real world human interaction is being minimized, it has reached an all time low for me, very close to elimination! :-)

What is it about this whole feminism thing?

I have wondered for long, and I am voicing it now, why do people talk of "women's rights" as though it is a separate issue, as though all women are victims of all men. I find it a little biased, when there is a problem in life, it is not just the women who suffer, even the guys (whether father, brother, husband or son) who love that woman suffer. And it is not like all problems are caused by men, the women in the guy's life (be it his mother, sister, wife or daughter) too support such men & goad them on. So the net effect is, everything is family centric. When one member is sad, the entire family suffers. When one member wants to do something, the entire family supports/abets him/her. So it is not like all women are universal victims and all men are universal oppressors. That is a very "horse" or "ostrich" way of looking at things. (Horse sees only straight on, and ostrich simply buries its head in the sand). I am writing this after just having freshly read a blog on dowry. The whole thing tries to only show how the bride suffers, as though all men of the world are to blame.

Real life is very different, somebody should some day blog about how in India, there are so many married women who don't think it their duty to support their parents , there are parents who sell their last piece of land & raise loans to get their daughter married, there are brothers who take up all responsibilities on their own head. 
The story is a little biased, because there are cases where daughters demand more property from their parents, there are cases where women say to their parents, "what did you do for me?", there are cases where sisters call up brothers and request for more money in their husband's name! Life is not all black & white, it is not like all women are pure as milk, and the poison is all men.

It was some men with revolutionary ideas who first thought of abolishing sati, allowing child widow remarriages, greater rights for widows, etc. Whereas some women strongly opposed those reforms and encouraged torture of widows. How come noone talks of the men who suffer with money-minded women, and the women who torture other women.

Society is made up of different kinds of people, they may be born as a girl or a boy, vice or virtue are distributed evenly through people irrespective of their gender. And I have realized in life, that to earn respect, we need to take up duties in life. Then our parents will definitely treat us as precious as sons. I am totally brought up in educated circles, so I was pretty shocked that in India, there are still parents who hold onto feelings like they can't take help from their daughters, they can take help from sons. If daughters conveniently enjoy such privileges instead of offering to help, we can't then wonder why they are not treated as equals. Also, helping parents is not a charity, it is as much our duty as a boys'. Many a times, I have noticed women who help their parents, behaving as though they have gone out of their way & done some great charity! We women are also responsible for our status in society, because we are part of it. If we think we have no duties, we should not expect too many rights! In this respect, I admire some women around me, like my cousin, my mother, a few friends from college, my sister-in-law. These women have taken up equal share of family responsibility as the son, never thought of self as a privileged girl, but as a human being who has duties & rights in a family. Women who live like that don't need to fight for their self-respect, they earn it through their deeds, by winning the admiration of like-minded men & women. They don't beg at the feet of men or society, nice men worship them while the baddies need to fear them.

If I support my parents as much as a son would, naturally I'll be treated as equal. In the educated India, girls & boys are brought up as equals, so they live life as equals. By education, I refer to family culture, it may be a rural or urban family. In the uneducated (sometimes even very literate city bred people show amazing lack of culture) parallel India, girls & boys are not brought up as equals, they won't live life as equals, the girl is either neglected as a burden (so the son gets all the attention), or she is pampered as a princess who has no duties (so the son inherits all the responsibilities).

I am not trying to brush away the whole gender bias in society, my heart goes out to the women who suffer domestic violence. But I don't like to paint it as "all men are bad, all women are victims", because the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. How come we women bring up our sons with such low ethics, how can we then blame the men, somewhere someplace, we have compromised & made wrong choices, because of which some other girl suffers. And we like to see our son make another girl suffer, we only care about our own daughter (though there are people who don't even care about their own daughter's welfare). In that case, who is the victim, who is the oppressor? I think I see a girl on both ends!!

On a personal note, my parents have two girl children. I know they trusted us to take care of them. They were so nice that they didn't plan for a third child (I have seen people who have upto 7 children in the quest for a son!), they brought us up giving us everything that we ever needed. I was an observant child, I always realized that there are parents in this world who feel more happy if they had a son rather than a daughter. Early on in life, I promised myself, that if my parents bring me up with so much culture, I should never let them down, I should always stand by them every moment, like a son would (I have seen most, in fact all, sons support their parents at any cost), so that they never feel at any moment, that a daughter let them down/didn't give them priority in her life.

It is humbling how life is, right after I posted this entry, I get to talk to one of my friends who is a post-doctoral fellow at one of the prestigious universities in US. Then I have this desire to delete this silly blog which talks of women's rights/equality etc, which feels so irrelevant just now , an utter time waste :-) But then again, it is an eye opener, or thought provoking, for another person who lives another life in another parallel society! I have expressed my views to two different acquaintances exposed to grass root level social work/reform, and they said they couldn't agree more.  

Hindus- Do we believe in so many gods?

There is a common misconception that Hindus believe in "so many gods". 

This is because "Hinduism" is a termed coined by foreigners who tried to define the cultures & faiths of the Indian subcontinent. 

There is a theory that hindus believe in 33 crore (330 billion) gods. 

Hence, hindus are defined as a people who believe in "many gods", a pantheon of gods, as opposed to the belief of one God- monotheism in Semitic religions. 

I beg to differ. 

Hinduism is the world's oldest living religion, and the upanishads & vedas are the oldest texts which affirm the belief in one cosmic energy, one force which rules the whole universe, one God. 

Precisely because of our honest belief in one God, we are ready to worship 33 crore forms of that God. 

Whatever name or form we attribute to God out of our imagination, we know that our imagination is ultimately limited. Hinduism appreciates that different devotees may see God in different ways, some devotees are concerned for God & treat Him like their child!! Some devotees are in love with God and romanticize their love. Some devotees feel like they want to be the slaves of God. Others see themselves as His friend. Yet others, as His children. Who are we to judge a devotee, who are we to announce that our imagination is right while theirs is wrong? 

This is the reason that we are ready to embrace any kind of imagination, and hence we worship 33 crore gods. We are not fools, we know that there is only one God, in fact, we know it much better than many others. 

The problem with a lot of people today, they have an ego, they think- "There is only one God, and that is their God, the rest of the population is worshipping evil". 

Whereas for a Hindu, the definition is like, "There is only one God, but every devotee has his own right to imagine & worship that God, and it is not wrong to respect all those imaginations". Which is why, in Hinduism, we worship animals, trees, lakes, mountains, rivers, we feel God all around us, we feel Him in His creation, every speck of matter is created by Him, hence it is holy to us. We marvel at His abilities, wow, how wonderful is this earth, the sun, those stars, the moon, these birds, how did He do it all? He has let us live in this world of His, where every speck has his signature, it is worth respect! 

It is only because of this truly inherent secularism & religious pluralism that the Hindus worship 33 crore gods. You are free to make up another name & deity, worship it with as much reverence, we are wise enough to understand that it is the same. 

Let us observe nursery school kids drawing their happy families. They scribble a mommy, a daddy, a sibling, their family dog, a bright shiny sun, all drawn with coloured pencil crayons. We all know that mommy & daddy don't look that way, but the parent cherishes the child's drawing & feels very touched, very proud. Another child will draw mommy daddy with different coloured pencil, and different strokes. We still know yet again that that's not how mommy-daddy look, but parents love every doodle scribbled by their kids. That is how God is, He is limitless, we try to imagine Him with our limited imagination, we respect Him, we love Him, He gets touched by our devotion, He doesn't judge us as non-believers, He thinks of us as toddlers trying to walk the way of life. 

My two year old neighbour Pooja was once narrating a baby bird's story to me, she was improvising and making up the story as she narrated it. I noticed something very interesting: All the characters in the baby bird's life were actually drawn from Pooji's own life! Pooji has a mom, an elder sister, a dad, a maid called Bebe. Even Baby Bird had a mom, an elder sister bird, a Bebe bird who made bournvita for Baby bird!!! 

The point I am trying to make is, nobody taught Pooji, but her instincts led her to analyse a Baby bird's life through her own human eyes/perspective. 

That is how most humans are. So ancient peoples (such as Hindus, the Greco-romans, the Egyptians, etc) thought that God would need a goddess wife, a  god son, a goddess daughter, god relatives, etc. Also, since gold/silver/gems/flowers/fragrances etc are precious to humans, our ancestors started decorating temples/deities with these substances. Since Hinduisms were a continually evolving "thinking" movement, the culture of worship went through several different phases. There are layers of meaning behind a God-Goddess pair. I have already explained the simplest one. The other way of looking at it is, every pair makes a lot of sense as "a pair that go together". For eg, Brahma is paired with Saraswati, that is creation-knowledge/learning. Vishnu is paired with Lakshmi, that is Protection-Wealth. Shiva is paired with Durga, that is Destruction-Energy. It is like the systematically arranged cogwheels of a mechanism, so all the attributes of God are broken down into smaller bricks and laid out. But we know that it is all ultimately one. Hence, Hindus also believe that the Trimurti (Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva) were born out of Maya. To understand this In the modern context, I could say that the Government of any country is ONE, but it is broken down (for easier administration) into different Departments. Those departments are distinct, but some of them are interrelated, and all of them are part of ONE Government. 

Coming to the gender of God, God is not mortal, mortals are born, grow, give birth, die. So there are two genders for progression of genes, reproduction, male, female, father, mother, etc... God creates, gives birth to us, so He may infact be a SHE, but HE is independent, so He could even be an IT! So we are ready to worship Him, Her, It, every form of Him, every manifestation of Her, every attribute of It. He, She, It, it is all ultimately THAT which we are all trying to understand. 

Human thought is all human-centric, we believe angels/cherubs/all celestial beings to be like humans in appearance. But Hinduisms pondered, don't animals think of God, don't birds think of God? Can't God take the form of animals/birds/amphibians? Hence the historical belief in hybrid human-animal-cross celestial beings, it is there in Grecoroman/Egyptian/Chinese/Mesoamerican mythology too! And just like humans have relatives, the gods & goddesses are all though to be related under one extended family. This naturally eliminated any fights/arguments amongst the followers of those different "gods". That was about 'imagination' in the shaping of culture/religion/society. 

Coming to practicality, I believe that goodness of deeds, compassion for others & self-respect is what God would like to see in His creation. I don't think He would be too pleased with the mob of people who claim to be following the "One True/Real God", accusing others of being non-believers who deserve hell. Is this world a classroom of kids, where God is the teacher who appointed a class prefect in His absence? Those mobs of people with a bloated bullying ego are the self-appointed prefects in the classroom of life. God is all powerful, He created this world, He created ALL of us, so who are we to judge who is a believer or a non-believer? Those who think that others are non-believer sinners, do they ever pause for a moment & wonder why God created all of us, surely He has greater plans, is He answerable to us, or are we answerable to Him? Are people answerable to each other or to God?

I believe in 33 crore gods, because I don't want to be a self-appointed prefect who looks down on the imagination of others. 

Hindus honestly believe in the power of God, God is THE most powerful, He created EVERYTHING and is in control of everything), it is not for us to decide who deserves heaven or hell. Dharmic religions have no equivalent of Satan or Shaitan. We believe that vice is a delusion (Maaya) which blinds our vision, we can achieve God through introspective expulsion of vice & inclusion of virtue. This vice is perhaps personified as "Satan" by semitic religions, like we have rakshasas. 

But we don't hate anyone or condemn them to eternal hell, even rakshasas can gain moksha with prayer to God, after all any of us is capable of expelling vice & indulging in virtuous acts.  

I believe that Hinduism is the world's first religion which thought up on the oneness of God, and has the wisdom to respect all streams of thought. In fact, it's name should be "Hindiusms". Hinduisms is the composite umbrella term that covers advaita, dvaita, vishishtha advaita, kapalika, vaishnav, shaiv, charkvaaka, smaartha, vedanta, innumerable schools of philosophy that all dharmic religions (broadly classified as Sanatana, Jain, Bauddh and Sikh dharma) ponder on. 



The following shlokam from Bhagavad Gita captures the essence of humanity's quest: 

( I will add the sanskrit verse soon)

"The ultimate teaching that the Ashthadasha puranas compiled by Vyasa impart, is that he who lives life with compassion is dear to Me, he who hurts others commits a sin."

We shouldn't limit God by trying to imprison Him within the narrow scope of our limited imagination. 



I will end this blog entry with the following verses composed by Annamacharya, a 15th century saint/composer who lived in South India & composed over 32,000 poems in praise of God. In the following Telugu verses, he shows us how we limit the glory of God with our petty imagination: 

Enta maatramuna evvaru talachina, anta maatrame neevu

In whatever measures people think of You, You measure up to them..

Antaraantaramulenchi chooda pindante nippati annattu

If one tries to investigate with deep introspection, they find that its the same, batter and the nippati~dosa..

Koluturu mimu vaishnavulu kaurimito vishnudani

Vishnavas pray to You as Vishnu with affection

Palukuduru mimu vedantulu parabrahmambanuchu

Vedantis say You are the Parabrahma

Talaturu mimu Shaivulu tagina bhaktulunu Shivudanuchu

Shaivas & the like think of You as Shiva

Alari pogaduduru Kaapalikulu Aadi Bhairavudanuchu

Kapalikas hail You with love as Aadi Bhairava

Sarinennuduru Shaakteyulu Shakti roopuneevanuchu

Shaakteyas correctly recognize You as the cosmic energy (shakti)

Darshanamunu mimu naana vidhulanu talapula koladula bhajinturu

In what ever way they can visualize & imagine You, they meditate on You

Sirula mimuye alpa buddhito talachina vaariki alpambaguduru

For People who pray to You with Siri(Money) and narrow mind, You become that narrow self

Garimala mimuye Ghanamani talachina Ghana buddhulaku Ghanudavu

For people who meditate on You by Your greatness, You show up as that great self

Nee valana korate ledu mari neeru koladi taamaravu...

As the lotus blooms depending on the availability of water; You are endless, You keep on

blossoming (giving) as the people water You with their devotion

Aamala Bhagirathi dari bavula aa jalame oorinayatlu

You are like the wells next to the Ganga river that never get dried

Sri Venkata Pati Neevaite Mamu Cherkoniyunna daivamai

Neevalane sharananiyedanu ... Idiye paratatvamu naaku...

As long as You are with us as Lord Venkateshwara, I'll live in Your service and obedience... that is the Ultimate truth for me... 

The 15th century Hindu sage Annamacharya shows us his belief in the oneness of God, need I say more on how many gods there are? There are as many gods and ways to find The God, as there is imagination. Keep seeking, and you shall keep finding. 

Rennet in Cheese

I feel pretty surprised that most Hindus are unaware of "Rennet", and that it is used in cheese production.

The Gujrati Jains/Hindus I knew in Kenya were very particular about avoiding such cheese, and sought vegetarian alternatives. But here in USA, I see most people around me are unaware of this fact, I have this feeling that Telugu people don't care as much about culture. I can't think of any other explanation, because Gujarati Hindus are never like this, they are much more aware, and enterprising.

It is a sin for Hindus to consume beef, and Rennet is extracted from baby cows, now what further 'पाप' can a Hindu do?

I belong to the Brahman community where we shouldn't be consuming eggs/meat, milk & milk products are the only animal derived food that we are allowed. So I try to avoid cheese here, since I know most restaurants use rennet cheese.

But I am surprised that most Telugus I come across are unaware of this fact, and unaffected by it even if they come to know. ALL adherents of the Dharmic religions (Jain, Sanatana, Buddha, Sikh) are supposed to avoid beef, even if they consume other meats. Eating beef is like losing one's faith.

The deep respect for "Cow" has a reason. Most people around me are even unaware of this, probably that's why they can't understand the need to hold onto one's culture.

Before the medical/health-care revolution, infant & mother mortality rates during childbirths were staggeringly high. Many a times, the mother would pass on leaving an orphaned new born. Cow milk was the closest to mother's mlik, a source of digestible nourishment that a new born can consume. Cows gave life to newborns. They were respected for this reason. Cow dung is a disinfectant, an excellent fertilizer, a source of fuel for the stove. A cow is a totally docile animal with so many uses in an agrarian society. These were the reasons that the cow was respected and not killed for consumption. We are not animals, animals are ready to eat anything as food, they don't spare a source of food out of compassion. Human beings are capable of exhibiting finer complex emotions, society decided to honour cows in this way. This respect for cow is reserved today in many agrarian societies not just in India, but even Sri Lanka, China.

In a world where so many people are embracing vegetarianism, Dharmic religions are the only ones who first thought of vegetarianism, some Jains & Hindu maharshis have taken it to the extremes of Vegan diet & further restrictions out of pure compassion & respect for life.

When mom went to Innsbruck to attend a conference in 2007, she was skeptical about what kind of diet she would have access to, she carried pickles with her. But once there, she was pleasantly surprised to notice that most of the locals are strict vegans! So somewhere in small European towns & villages, thrives a vegan movement, whereas India's Hindus increasingly consume rennet without batting an eyelid!

But one must always look at the positive side of things, so I hope some Gujjus continue to preserve our culture while the majority of the Telugus turn a blind eye to such things.

If a Telugu reads this blog and gets really angry at me, I only write what I experience.

Right things should happen at the right time

Like they say time and tide waits for none. I find myself in that position today.

I wasn't able to start working at the right time in life, I had the right education but immigration problems. Then I moved. Today, I have the wrong education and no immigration problems. And all this while, time ticking..

It is important to do the right thing at the appropriate time. Especially in Asian culture, the plan is all planned out for us by society, when to finish school, then college, then work, then marriage, children, the whole thing is set out. And when we're part of that society, it is difficult to gain respect if you fall out of step, if you get delayed in doing things which your peers are already doing, it limits your choices and narrows down opportunities.

And everyone faces this in one respect or the other, sometimes because of wrong decisions, sometimes because of external causes.

I feel a little tired of my patience, I am over a quarter century old now, how much more do I need to study before I can be eligible to seek employment, I guess because I was at the wrong place wrong time, a mismatch between academics and place.

In my bowl of life, what I haven't been able to achieve, is the employment bit. It was out of my hands, I was one of the bright ones in class, I got selected for the right interviews, but my immigration status was a real handicap. Now I am in another land, where it doesn't matter as to how bright I was in an irrelevant course, and I have to begin again from scratch.

I always had this kind of experience in academics, life got thrown upside down on multiple occasions, but I always came up to the challenge and continued doing what I wanted. Thing is, we have to honestly believe that we deserve all the problems that come our way, and we have to come out of those problems without troubling somebody else, that is my philosophy of life.

But I feel a little tired, 5 years is a long time. 5 years ago I first felt like spreading my wings, and I am yet to do it 5 years on. Sometimes I don't feel like explaining my academic headaches to people, sometimes I explain and wonder why I spoke so much.. I am also aware that in my pursuit of being right, I made certain choices, I could have got a work permit if I helped a firm with tax evasion accounting, I refused to start my career on such notes, it is like I chose to miss some buses in life. Being right is never easy, one has to do it the hard way.

Still, I will feel like a loser if I tell myself that I have given up. I like to tell myself that I am slow because of destiny, but who knows, slow & steady wins the race, and I am still running! ;-)

Sometimes I am convinced that I didn't pray hard enough, because I did get whatever I prayed for, perhaps this will happen right if I pray to/beg/seek from God? :-)

Motherhood, Children

If childbirth is such a complicated painful process, how come the world is bursting at its seams full of people?

There was a forward I received the other day, requesting people to respect their mother for her sacrifices. Apparently, the human body is capable to withstand 45 Del of pain. "Del" must be some unit to measure pain, I will have to read up on wikipedia to understand it better!!

However, during a normal childbirth, a woman experiences upto 57 Del of pain, equated to fracturing 20 bones.

Well I am wondering yet again, how come so many babies in this world, and how come population control social workers need to beg & persuade people to stop birthing???

My mother said, get married, then you'll understand the yearning of a mother to have her own children, carry forward the genes of her loved one & herself.

Well I am married now, and I still don't understand.

I adore children, but I don't understand the selfless nature which is needed to give birth.

I love playing with kids. I still remember how amazed we were when Minal ate her first spoon of mango puree, she literally writhed in pleasure, to express that she loved the taste, my mother decoded her body language for us, I thought she was having fits :-D

I remember Minal's first few steps, her tiny clothes, her tiny shoes. Pooja's cute talk, her questions, her birdie like voice, chirping through the house.

Now I listen to stories of our nephew growing up, how our niece is growing up, it is a thrill for parents, it is truly special for a parent when it is their own child. Children are a treasure. But they are such a hard-to-earn treasure, that I am wondering how come there are so many around??? :-P

Okay all the mommies of the world must be hating me for this blog entry...

My mommy simply says, "well, you were born too once upon a time, you too were a bawling baby that peed & pooed"....

Imagine 57 Del of pain for a normal birth, O meee God Mommy I wonder how many Dels of pain you went through to produce me with all your health complications!!! Thank God I was always mommy's-good-girl otherwise that forward would have made me pretty guilty tearful ;-)

I wonder how much more Dels of pain mommies around the world feel when their little baby birdies behave selfish.

Mommy you are the best, thanks for the unconditional food-boarding-lodging in your womb for nine whole months, and the care ever after. Hundreds of Michchaami dukhram!

Ghazal

मम्मो (१९९४)

ये फ़ासलें तेरी गलियों के हमसे तय न हुवे, 

हज़ार बार रुकें हम, हज़ार बार चलें

ना जाने कौनसी मट्टी वतन की मट्टी थी,

नज़र में धूल, जिगर में लिए ग़ुबार चलें

ये कैसी सरहदें उलझी हुवीं है पैरों में,

हम अपने घर की तरफ उठके बार बार चलें 

न रास्ता कहीं ठहरा, न मंज़िलें ठहरीं,

ये उम्र उड़ती हुई गर्द में गुज़ार चलें 

सम्पूरण सिंह 'गुलज़ार'