The wailing woman

I heard you once again last night sister... In the dead of the night, when everything is quiet, I can hear you debate with confidence... Then I hear you begin to mumble, then you shout a bit, finally the weeping starts... It breaks my heart... 6 inches of wall separates me from you... As I hear you weep and shout, I wish I could speak to you from within the wall... Your voices are muffled with the barriers between us, but I can hear your emotions, your movement, your fear, your disappointment at feeling let down, the frustration, it explodes into hysterical anger once in a while....

Then when he raises his voice and threatens you, I feel good that you're at least shouting back through your tears... But you're tired now, you're choking on your tears, you're out of breath... He starts giving you a lecture, very firm, very patient, very loud and clear, he knows what he wants, he is convinced that you're the drama queen... You ignore him, drowned in your own sorrow... To make the point clear, he comes closer to you, probably pulls at your hair or twists your hand, I can hear you yelp like a puppy in pain, you shout out, begging him, telling him that it hurts...

I look into the night and think of how lucky I am, I seem to live inside a bubble, totally isolated from violence... But from within the bubble, I can peep out and see horrible nightmares all around me...

I look at the sleeping form of my husband, he's lucky these noises don't disturb him.

I feel guilty, I know you're suffering, you're lonely and sad, I really want to meet you in real life, hear all your problems and give you strength...

I feel guilty, because I know what is happening in your life, yet I am doing nothing about it... If you ever give up the struggle, your blood will be on my hands...

On the outside, you're a very modern girl, educated, you probably work.. I wonder if anyone other than us knows what you go through...

Sometimes I reason myself out of my guilt, you are fighting back, you don't shout for help, so you must be okay, it looks like you feel safe enough to continue this stalemate.. Besides, I am not sure if my intervention would be of any help, perhaps I might embarrass you more by bringing your problems out into the open.... After all, some of us feel it more important to continue the show, outsiders mustn't know of our failings, it feels okay as long as the fault is not exposed..

I have a gut feeling that you appreciate my silence, I will do nothing, I will hear all, but stay stone still.. With my ears pressed to the cold barrier between us, I live through your despair, I am sleepless just like you are, you're my horror movie, as this movie unfurls, I pray to God...

Last night, you were complaining about how much you have compromised, while he was patiently firmly telling you that those are small things in life that you should be able to adjust with ease. Once again a coincidence in life, I had only recently blogged on self-respect/adjustment/compromise...

I try my best to guess your problems, I have partly guessed them...

My husband is cool about such things, he says he's seen so many such cases in life, it is "part of life".

On other days, I can hear you laugh loudly, with friends in your home, both of you behaving like the perfect couple, throwing a party, I am glad you're happy in some moments...

Sister, I don't know why you choose to live through it this way, your life keeps exploding like a volcano once in a while...

Perhaps you feel normal or happy most of the time, but are these volcanic eruptions worth it?

But good that you shout back, good that you make a lot of noise and don't let him sleep, for you shouldn't go through the pain alone.

As for me, as I watch you, I get more confused, my ego levels are rising in the vicarious quest to get you some self-respect. I am not sure on what to do, or what not to do. I do pray for you though. And I hope you make the right decision. God be with you!



Note: Feb 1st, 2010

The wailing continues, I hear it once in a while. Now I know that the couple are both software engineers, and that they argue about money. The guy seems to be stingy. The girl keeps crying about "being born as a girl", and how the guy changed after marriage.

God knows the truth, God help them, but now I don't at all feel guilty when I hear her cry, because I know she's in it on her own volition, she shouts a LOT and makes his life as miserable as he's made hers.