On Sumukh's first birthday

April 5th 2014 is Sumukh's first birthday as per the traditional Telugu lunar calendar. 
April 15th 2014 is Sumukh's Gregorian calendar birthday. 

I feel sentimental about his Telugu birthday, since it is based on the lunar cycle and our life cycles are governed more by the moon, rather than the solar calendar which is not really exact. Every milestone Sumukh met or every growth spurt he had, every change in behaviour, was usually scheduled naturally around his lunar birthday. 

My little pilli is an year old today, I have learnt lots in this past year and it is only the tip of the iceberg yet. 
Summu taught me, that the most amazing feeling I get, is not from watching him do what I taught him, but from doing that which he learnt on his own. 
I also know, that there is no such thing as a child-proof room. The definition & scope of 'child-proof' needs continuous upgrade, any tiny ordinary object can turn into the most dangerous situation at hand. As a mommy, many times I experienced the cold shuddering feeling of 'what if?', many a time I recollected Leo Tolstoy's work 'What Men Live By' and felt grateful to God. Summu has taught me gratitude for what I have, what I am able to enjoy, 
Every developmental milestone of his makes me proud, but I also feel a pang in my heart about what will no longer be, what we've left behind. But it will come around another day when I watch his children grow. 
The most amazing feeling in watching him grow, is being reminded of the fact that life sprang out of me, growing by the hour, depending totally on me for nutrition, warmth, comfort. Yet nothing is in my control. I feel very large & very tiny at the same time. I remember that moment when I gave him his first solids- banana & tender coconut water- that proud feeling of 'he's a big boy', but also jealousy that he will now derive nutrition from something other than me, the first ingestion of something foreign, something non-mommy. 
In raising Summu, we are living several childhoods, not just his. I am reliving my childhood, papa recollects his mother often, mom recollects our kiddy days, her childhood, her nainamma, her ammamma... 
Bringing up kids is no joke, it is a tough job. Everyone said that to me always, so I took that advice too seriously to heart and kept trying very hard to go on. Looking back, I realize, I tried too hard. One big lesson reinforced, is that mom knows most about her child & maternal instincts are of highest importance. Children are not machines, so no doctor can know what works best and their knowledge is limited beyond a point. 
When I complained of Summu's colic & his sleeplessness, many told me that's how their kids are too, this is what being mom is about. But it took me 8 months to gather proof that all kids are not that way. Regarding that aspect of the journey, I really thank God for giving me a very supportive wise mother, a helping father, a trusting husband, a knowledgeable relative, Internet, lots of timely coincidences that  helped fix things. As always, my gut feeling that something wasn't right all along, was right. The hero in this journey is Summu, for never having given up, for managing to smile through the tears. 
This first year of Summu's life, thanks for the immense support from my parents, they looked after me like a baby while I concentrated on looking after Summu. 
When people comment on how fast he is at his milestones, all I can say is, Summu has stayed away from all electronic media/gadgets/complicated hitech toys/television, this was possible because he has continuously had his grandparents around right from the moment he was born and I have enjoyed some timeless age-old advice from mom on not over-stimulating kids, trying to cater to their curiosity without saying no for everything. Nothing can replace fresh air, sunshine, a beautiful garden to stroll around in, watch the bees, birds, flowers, trees. Feel the wind whistle through your ears, feel the warm sun shine on your face..  How could I ever have explained such experiences to Summu if I was in my 16th floor apartment in Jersey? Although we felt bad about the times Summu is away from his papa, we also know that he has learnt a lot from just being close to nature. And he's helped me reconnect with nature. I regularly watch the sky, something I didn't do in years! Here, I am not judging moms who gave an iPad or switched on the television for their kid, it is very trying to entertain a child and Summu is blessed to have had lots of people, a huge house, a garden around him. I had that kind of childhood, where the city flourished alongside the farmers, fields, parrots, vultures, donkeys, cows, buffaloes... That is my one regret for Summu, he will not see what I saw, the times are different.  
Everytime I see him succeed, I feel proud! When the pediatrician admired his weight, I was o so proud since he was exclusively breast-fed. But I remind myself, that I will love & support him as much even when we lag behind or fail. A child must not be compared with another child, or even with himself. If Summu appears very sharp today, he might be slow at meeting some other milestone later. Like Summu has very little hair even now at 1 year ;-D hahaha! A child that appears slow today, might spring forward in leaps & bounds when his time is right. That is how development is, that is how our neurological wiring & learning works- things usually normalize over time, badges of 'fast' & 'slow' are temporary & misleading. 
A topic that touches my heart: Summu made me aware of the abuse that babies undergo in silent ways, I couldn't find a better word than 'abuse'!
Babies are little handicapped people who need our attention until they are mobile enough to take care of their basic needs. Everytime Summu cried or whimpered, 99% of the time, there was an issue to sort out- hunger, thirst, pee, poo, burp, feeling too hot or cold... 1% of the time, he wanted attention & love. In the rare instances that I delayed picking him up, he had pooped, peed or badly needed to burp and I felt really bad for having delayed by those few seconds while he screamed. 
Old aging people are able to voice their feelings when their children ignore them, babies can't do that. Imagine being bedridden, you really want to sit up so that you can burp, won't you want immediate attention? Someone told me that I shouldn't pamper him so much, perhaps he's doing 'aaghaayityam'. A pediatrician told me to cut down on his feeds & make sure he doesn't drink milky more than 3 times a day at 6 months. O god, I am raising a human being, not trying to train a dog!! What if baby is thirsty? What if he is really hungry? What if something is pricking him? He's not in some concentration camp where he's allowed milky only thrice a day & NO at night! My mom puts it as: he can understand everything, he just can't talk our language, that must be so frustrating, so treat his feelings with respect. I have no regret for having just let Summu decide his pace of things, I realized later why he needed milky 100 times repeatedly and I am glad he only got unconditional support from us.
Babies have their own language & ways of conveying things, we have to understand & follow their cues, encourage them to make their own decisions (when to eat & drink). So it is not about training them, but about training our own senses to perceive their issues. An infant left in a pampers disposable diaper, will grow up thinking that is the only way to do things, he will forget his primal instincts of alerting us for pee/poo, then we complain on how they talk & understand everything when they are over 2 years old but refuse to use the potty! That said, let me accept, I haven't succeeded fully at practicing elimination communication with Summu and I don't mean to judge mommies whose busy schedule made things difficult. 
Some children are rebuked for not meeting the parent's expectations of their milestones: please don't decide how much baby should eat, how much they should weigh, how tall they should be and torture yourself & child over this. Childhood passes away in this futile pursuit. 
Another issue that I really don't like, but don't know what to do about: the way some adults forcibly pick up kids, snatching them out of the mother's arms, even if the infant refuses & cries! Or adults who feed anything to a child without checking with the mom- I find it wrong on so many levels, I choose not to give artificially coloured/flavoured or processed food to Summu, I really don't like some aunties uncles giving him Fanta to drink!! I can't imagine how the situation would unfold if that said child had food allergies? I guess I never behaved that way with a child (forcing them to come into my arms, or feeding them random things without checking with their mom) because I don't want someone behaving that way with me (do we appreciate some stranger just hugging us out of nowhere or speaking very loudly to us, without exchanging introductory hellos?).
After Summu's birth, suddenly, I feel much more emotional about life. I feel really bad hurting any insect, interrupting any creature's activity, even plucking a leaf/flower makes me want to seek permission from the tree & thank it. I always did feel for the environment & ecological balance, but I feel even more now! No wonder in our ancient culture, sages spoke of respecting the elements, respecting the flow of a river, the rustle of trees, the countless scampering living things. I feel like they have a mommy too that loves them, they have a Summu too that waits at home for them. I feel & think so much, I feel vulnerable, an absolute filmy mommie! ;-) I dream of him going to school, college, his first job, he'll rise in love one day, he'll get married, is his little wife already born somewhere or not yet? I am swept away like Narada Muni in the maaya of imagination! 
Summu has also made me very strong. When I go out on some very important work, I feel fearless, tension-free about the outcome of that task. My only worry is for the little fellow I left behind at home! This has also made me a happier person. I am so hard pressed for time (Summu never sleeps & has been a clingy little fellow)! I am always guilty of not having reached out to the people that care, I struggle to remember to at least respond to their emails or write in a hello once in a while. Sometimes it takes me weeks to actually send that message out, to turn the intention into action! So, I don't have the bandwidth or memory to deal with people who don't care- Summu made it happen. If something doesn't feel right & hurts, I have the courage to speak up but usually I don't, because I don't care. Suddenly, people who vanished from the radar make reappearances, thanks to Summu! No wonder they say, being a mom alters everything: how you see the world and how the world sees you. 
When I was really tense about our transatlantic move, Krishna reacted, 'Why are you still worried about things in life, even after you have birthed a baby?'. True, birthing a baby is the greatest milestone a couple faces, the beginning of a totally new journey called 'Parenting'. When I was 12 years old learning French from M.Cyprien, a devout Catholic, he told me, 'Ma cherie Vineeta, you might do this & that in life, but most importantly, you will be a mother.' True Monsieur, being mom is the most challenging, overwhelming & rewarding thing I ever attempted. 
Summu has made me acutely aware of the erosion of indigenous knowledge & culture that nuclear families have brought about. Bringing up children is very difficult when you are stuck in a high rise apartment with a very busy husband. I am of the opinion that a single child is a lonely child. Now after Summu, I realized that perhaps even two children are two lonely children who have only each other & no third sibling to interact with! In earlier days, people had so many kids, siblings had closer bonds, (not necessarily though)! When you have many kids in a large family being brought up in a collective manner (older kids entertain the younger ones), it really takes the pressure off the mom & makes the younger one grasp things a lot faster. Having many kids around is good not only for the kids, but for the mom too, every child is a new experience.  My mom's aunt had 14 children who grew into adults, she had tons of information on issues such as calming a baby, potty-training, breast-feeding, introducing solids, simple remedies for routine issues...- I struggled with breastfeeding & missed the lack of family knowledge, I was shocked to notice that in fact, I was better aware than the pediatrician! This is a direct fall out of what I call 'the extinction of indigenous culture & knowledge'.
Mom's aunt with 14 kids, unfortunately lost some kids: one to appendicitis, one to sunstroke. She would have known what it takes to comfort a sad mother. I am at a loss, I don't have the courage, I don't know what to say to a mother who grieves the loss of her child. But mom's aunt would have known many other mothers who faced the loss of children. I think we really lack that kind of supportive society today. If we see a friend or relative struggle, sometimes we don't know what to say. If we are struggling & someone tries to comfort, there is a lonely feeling of 'what would you know? you didn't go through this, I did'.. Mom's aunt had 14 other children to share her grief, countless neighbours/relatives who had 'been there & done that' too. We invest so much (materially & emotionally) in trying to raise one or two perfect kids. In that race, we have forgotten how to handle imperfections. I don't have any answers, but I do feel for this problem. I am a mom, and I can say, we never forget our angel babies. My mother remembers the baby boy she miscarried 35 years ago, to this day. They are in our breath & being every moment until we meet them again. 
Summu has also made me aware that gender inequality cuts both ways. I was always sure of my feelings about parenting, but giving birth to a boy validated them further. I am Summu's mom, he's my boy, so being with him has only cemented my feelings on parenting. A parent that doesn't educate a girl but educates a boy, a parent that treats a girl different from a boy, favours a boy over a girl: that parent doesn't do it because they hate the girl & love the boy. They do it because they are selfish & making materialistic choices. As they deny the girl attention, they shower it on the boy because he's an investment, a machine to fulfill their desires, a cash cow, they must have had expectations from him right from the moment he was born. They will interfere with the boy for the rest of his life while letting go of the girl, since they believe it is their right for having brought him up. All kinds of people lived in all ages, so this 'backwardness' is not to due to people belonging to olden times. This backwardness is just their attitude, they lived in the 10th century, they will live even in the 100th century, it is about having expectations, and these expectations take different forms. 
From the moment Summu was born, Krishna & I haven't found a spare moment to sit & talk to each other in peace. When I see Summu interact with his papa, when I see Krishna so excited with his son, it's the 'mothering' side of Krishna come out, seeing Summu & his papa together, makes my heart swell with love :) It's a new relation I share with Krishna, as my son's father. No one in the world shares my feelings & emotions regarding Summu the way Krishna does. It is touching to see a very sleepy tired Krishna change Summu's diaper in the middle of the night, saying sweet calming words to his bawling baby, even though he has to go to work tomorrow & craves some sleep.
The biggest compliment/gift that I ever got from Krishna in the 14 years that I have known him, is when he said he's so proud of how well I managed my pregnancy & Summu's infancy, that it was totally my effort. I think no amount of gifts or flowers can feel as touching or uplifting to my soul. Thanks to Summu's papa, I was able to do things my way, he trusts me and took interest to read up any literature where he doubted my approach. I can say the same thing about my parents-in-law, they supported every decision I made. 
He's only an year old yet and every individual is born with their own karma. As a mother, I wish him the best and I will strive to make sure that I do everything from my side- to the best of my abilities & knowledge- to help him. I am not the best mom, every mom feels as I do. So many moms message me that they love my Facebook updates on Summu, because my updates remind them of their own children's infancy, or help them prepare for their upcoming kiddy! 
So this post speaks for all us mommies, especially those of us who have just finished one year of being mommy! Being mommy is not a competition but a celebration. None of us is perfect, everyday I wish I could be a bit more patient, a bit more farsighted in meeting Summu's needs. I wonder how I will bring him up, sometimes I get cold feet! This feeling is something that goes on for the rest of our lives. 

On Summu's birthday, these lines below sum up my feelings for Summu's papa, I am sure Summu agrees with me although he can't talk his heart out now:

(From the popular sitcom Desperate Housewives)
Mary Alice: "The world is filled with good fathers. How do we recognize them? They’re the ones who are missed so terribly that everything falls apart in their absence. They’re the ones who love us, long before we’ve even arrived. They’re the ones who come looking for us when we can’t find our way home. Yes, the world is filled with good fathers. And the best are the ones who make the women in their lives feel like good mothers."

To those moms who are single parents, filling the space of 'mommy & papa' for your child, I really admire your courage & respect your bravery, you are a lioness and your little cub is the best gift of life. 

I will end my post with these lines for Summu:

Dear Summu, I decided to birth you because I wanted to play with a tiny fellow. You were not born to fulfill my dreams or make good my shortcomings, you are not here to take care of my issues or help me out of my problems. I just want to see you happy in life. I derive happiness out of your success & together we learn how to get up when we fall. 
Attending to you has made me so happy, you seem to find me perfect, you are a constant source of encouragement since you see no fault in me, yet, you inspire me to improve. You are my mirror into my soul. 
Although I have no expectations of you, your very presence fulfills my expectations. 
I hope you bring smiles in the lives of people you meet & grow up to be a good husband & papa, a good man: that is my one expectation from you.
When you are old enough to read this post, I hope you recollect your childhood with as much love & enthusiasm as I feel when I recollect mine. 
I have learnt so much on health, nutrition, culture in trying to do the best for you, so much introspection, it's a physical & spiritual journey, thanks for the continuous learning, it's helping me lead a better life. 
In bringing you up, I am bringing up myself. Thanks baby pilli! 

Lastly, thanks to you reader for having read my post, I hope this made you remember your first year as a parent, made you reflect on the sweet memories of your infant.