On the need to pray

Why do we humans pray to God for things that we need?
Personally, it has been years since I begged God for help.. I believe that He knows best, He gives us what we deserve, and He withholds what we don't yet deserve, perhaps we need to put in more work & patience.
So what is the point of prayer if I refuse to ask God for anything? Perhaps I pray to just give thanks for whatever I have. And I pray for strength to deal with problems. And I pray for more patience, and a calmer mind, a stronger heart, and for a bit of luck in life. Most of the times, I pray without reason, it is just me saying Hi to my conscience, to the silent God...
Sometimes in desperate situations, like when my dear ones are ill, I pray for their good health, I want their happiness, so I ask God to please reduce their suffering.
Sometimes when someone wrongs me and I am hurt, I fret or weep, it too is a kind of prayer to God, to implore to Him to please find me the justice.
But on the prayer of asking God for things, I always wondered how un/fair that was?
If God is like our parent, probably He feels happy if we beg Him for things once in a while? :-) Perhaps He will feel more wanted? :-) And perhaps a person who refuses to ask for anything is actually suffering from a bit of ego? It's like, 'Hey God, I am not going to ask You for anything, because I know You have to give it to me anyway when I accumulate the adequate karma points'!!!! :-P
Well I have been through a crisis the last 2 days, and I actually begged God for a way out, I prayed with all humility, I gave up the analysis of 'He will give what I deserve, I do not need to ask'.. Instead, I feel at His feet like a slave, like a helpless creature, and just asked Him to show me a way out.
I was actually torn between wanting to be an atheist, or becoming an ardent devotee... I chose the latter, since it felt good to imagine that there really is somebody/thing very powerful out there which feels our heart/mind..
So here I am, the slave of God, and I can't believe, like a miracle, the problem is gone.
Those with a practical head might say that it was supposed to get solved anyway, but I prefer to believe that giving up ego & praying with all humility did it...
Thank You God for watching out for me, I have always been a good girl, and I will always want to be a good girl, but I guess sometimes, I need Your help to drive away bad  monster situations...

How do they live without water

As the earth is suffering with the burden of overpopulation, and the gap between haves-havenots widens, I am increasingly feeling like soon we will become two different races- The Haves & The Havenots...
I feel terrible, yesterday on news I watched about how some poor villagers in rural India wait for 2 days on the highway for a tanker of water... When the tanker arrives, they clamour for the water like animals, they fight, violence erupts... It is sad, all for water, the most basic necessity...
Apparently there is no ground water in those villages... Sad, somebody in the city makes a decision to dam a river, to alter the course of a river, to cut down forests in the Himalayas etc, and the side effect trickles down to the forgotten villages of Gujarat... I wondered, what do the people do there for a living? Surely they can't farm, so what can they do without a drop of water? I just cannot imagine the kind of life they must be living... If they migrate to the towns, they don't have the skillset to fit in, some of them probably take to drugs/prostitution/crime... It is like we are all human beings to look at, but one has an unfair advantage to begin with, while the other is stripped of their basic rights...
I guess Economics needs to be redefined.. There seems to be nothing like a "free good", land is not free, there are millions of people living in illegal slums all over the developing world, they are unregistered people, they don't count in any statistics, they have no rights to any subsidies, some of them manage to live on some charity, God knows about the others...
Water is not free, if you are in an Indian city, from the middle class, you can buy a tanker of water for Rs.500, if you can afford to pay, you are fine... But if you are from a forgotten village, you have to wait for 3 days for a tanker that might not come at all... And if you do not manage to collect any water in the ensuing clamour-for-water (I saw men climbing all over the moving tanker like monkeys, like dogs fighting for a piece of meat, so thirsty they must have been), there is no justice, no fair distribution...
Here in my home, I have unlimited water... If the community water tank's level drops below a point, it is the management's responsibility to refill with a tanker, I am oblivious, I just pay the monthly rent & maintenance fee..
I don't really know how to help those poor thirsty people I saw on TV, they are reduced to the state of an animal existence, I feel guilty inside my heart... I feel like part of the water that I am using, perhaps belongs to them... But I can't share it with them, I can't transport it to them, I cannot alter the dam projects or reverse the deforestation... I can only continue living my life, feeling guilty inside my heart... What I can do is, pray... and my prayer won't solve their problem...
Yet in another part of the world, massive floods, loss of life...
So somebody dies because he has too little water to drink,,, and somebody else dies because too much of water drank him up...
I do try not to waste water though... A relative of mine drains away all the old stock of water that she collects in her drum every two days when she gets fresh water... I don't do such things, I never pour water off into the drains, I make a point to use every drop, at least I can do that when I know that I am perhaps using somebody else's share of water which they don't get access to and which I have access to, it is all part of karma?...

My Favourite Movies: For a Lifetime, and for information

My Favourite movies are those that touched my heart/provoked my thinking  because of various reasons. Some of these movies are of a lifetime, I would want to watch them again. Some of them are documentaries on social issues or such, which are for one-off watching, I learnt something about the people on this earth from watching the film, and would recommend it to people if that particular topic came up. Usually I like movies that showcase the following:

1. Different cultures/belief systems of the world
2. Romantic/Funny/Feel Good/Making me Smile
3. Spirit of humanity/power of emotions/make me cry or feel strongly about the issue
4. Real life historical/biographies/Inspirational
5. Films that explore an idea/social issue without judging it (eg, abortion, adoption, drugs, domestic abuse, infidelity, homosexuality, etc)- these give me an insight into the complete story from different perspectives.
5. Animal kingdom, emotions, behavior patterns, this wonderful world that God created, awesomeness.
6. Sometimes simply because it has a unique/novel story idea that interested me. or that I love the actors, like I am always ready to watch any of Audrey Tautou's films, it's surprising, I always fall in love with her movies!
7. Survivor Stories- In particular, the holocaust survivor movies and the Partition of India movies, I find them very touching & inspiring, they make me reflect on how lucky I am, how blessed I am, bring out the feeling of gratitude, they give me hope, they make me believe in God, and they make me realize how important it is to be a good human. And that one person can do good in life even when surrounded by a hundred devilish people, the ray of humanity shines on...

So here is a list of movies that I recommend. I've typed them randomly as I recollect them, I might reshuffle them into an alphabetical order. I might change the order if I improve on the categorization though, since not all of us are interested in some themes/topics that these films may discuss.

The End of Poverty? (2008)
Blue Gold: World Water Wars (2008)

Mammoth (2009)
My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002)
Ushpizin (2005)
The Sound of Music (1965)
My Fair Lady (1964)
Unmistaken Child (2008)
The Story of the Weeping Camel (2003)
The Syrian Bride (2004)
Amreeka (2009)
Arranged (2007)
Dirty Pretty Things (2002)
Chariots of Fire (1981)
Happenstance (2000)
Priceless (2006)
I Have Never Forgotten You: The Life & Legacy of Simon Wiesenthal (2007)
The Pianist (2002)
Life is Beautiful (1997)
The Gods Must be Crazy I & II (1980 & 1989) 
Love Actually (2003)
I've Loved You So Long (2008)
Trembling before G-d (2001)
A Jihad For Love (2007)
Pinjar (2003)
He Loves Me... He Loves Me not (2002)
Death At A Funeral (2007)
Masoom (1983)
Tamas (1987)
Khamosh Pani (2003)
Hotel Rwanda (2004)
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963)
Losing Isaiah (1995)
Stolen Summer (2002)
Bliss (2007)


Planet Earth: Complete Collection (2006)
The Life of Mammals (2002)
The Life of Birds (1998)
Shatranj ke Khiladi (1977)
My Mother's Castle (1990)
My Father's Glory (1990)
Changeling (2008)
Rain Man (1988)
Catch Me If You Can (2002)
I Am Sam (2001)
Children of Heaven (1997)
The Colour of Paradise (1999)
Baran (2001)
The Willow Tree (2005)
The Song of Sparrows (2008)
Osama (2003)
The Story of Adele H. (1975)
Ararat (2002)
P.S.I Love You (2007)
A Beautiful Mind (2001)
The Pursuit of Happyness (2006)
Born Free, Living Free (1966, 1972) (though living free wasn't as enthralling)
Sardar (1993)
Downfall (2004)
Nayak (1966)
To Kill A Mockingbird (1962)
Cleopatra (1999)

My darling headache

There it came again last week, o how I hate it, it makes me feel like an invalid, a handicapped person... I guess my wisdom tooth makes it worse, I don't know how wise I am, let's see whether it's a Gyaana dantam or Agyaana dantam!
Three days I was in bed, waking up in the evening when the dear husband knocked on the door, sleeping right after he left every morning...
And I started doing something weird, I swallowed an antihistamine pill because it makes me drowsy, and can help me sleep... Then I tried Coldarin on Friday evening, though I didn't have flu, because I wanted to be able to sleep...
I always wonder, how do people get addicted to drugs, perhaps this is how it starts? :-)
Well for me, it's not an addiction, I am fine now, after three days of drug abuse ;-) Imagine taking pills not so that you can benefit directly from them, but in chase of the side-effects... :-))
God I just wanted to be able to feel drowsy, sleepy, forget my pain....

The best person in my life

Several times I have felt in life, that Husband is the wisest quietest calmest person I ever met in my daily life. Godmen, Saints, Hrshis, Babas are different, they give up social bonds and live life according to their desires (higher level desires such as seeking moksha).

But in my real life, daily mundane life, there is one person I have always seen who practices what he preaches. That is Husband. 

He doesn't mind when people use him, he doesn't mind giving, he doesn't mind most things to do with people management. There is one thing though that he minds, his mental peace, as long as he has it, he is happy. He sincerely totally whole heartedly believes in karma, he doesn't question things too much, he honestly believes that he deserves the circumstances that life spins, he stays happy through everything. In fact, I have seen him embrace small troubles with a smile, because he says life is meant to be full of small troubles. :-) Never have I seen someone with as much gratitude towards life, with as much enthusiasm towards the spirit of humanity. 

I am not saying he's perfect. But what I mean to say is, he is the bestEST that I have come across, where he fails, nobody can anyway take his place, I don't believe anyone out there would have handled it better than him. (I don't say this out of that blind woman thing- women love their man, they'll never find him wrong..) Of course, there is me ;-) Hehehe can we smell our ego :-P  

But seriously, one person I have seen in my daily life who is sure of his mind&heart, sure of his weaknesses, sure of what is important to him, is Husband. He doesn't seek his own happiness, he really derives it out of watching others happiness. We all want to become like that, we all try to be giving in nature, but somewhere in some mood, we all begin counting on what we have given in life and what we have got. But Husband, I see him counting against God only when something serious happens (like a sick family member, sickness is out of our scope, we can go to the best doctors and then pray). 

But if there is a problem that can be overcome with human effort, I see Husband smiling at it. 

I can say with confidence, he has been a big big influence in my life, he has been with me through thick & thin... If I run to him with a problem, it is just comforting to listen to his ideas. What more does one want in life! Most of the times, I don't run to him with any problem, he solves problems for me before they reach me. Because that is what Husband is about- about giving.
One day I hope I can give him something too!! :-)
I pray to God to keep him happy always, and always look after him. I want to see him happy always, content ever.

What is right or wrong in karma

Since I believe in the Karma theory, I have a question that I would like to ask some wise man someday...
It is only in retrospect that we can analyse actions-reactions-counteractions-consequences, the trail is not so clear..
In my personal life, if there is something I do not like, should I adjust & put up with it because it is my karma? What decides my karma? Part of it is external power (totally out of my scope), part of it is internal power (what we do with our own life, the decisions we make, the choices we choose).
So when I feel uncomfortable with a status-quo, how should I decide whether I should accept it or challenge it?
If I accept it, perhaps I am giving up greater opportunities to live a fuller life, a happier life, a life with more dignity & self respect.
However, if I challenge the status-quo, it might transfer my misery onto someone else, perhaps it is in pursuit of myself. So will I incur the bad karma of having made someone else suffer, is it 'wrong'?
But then again, how come that person doesn't bother when the status-quo hurts me, so are they not already incurrring bad karma from 'using' me for their pleasure, are they not in pursuit of their own self? How come only I have to worry about right or wrong? Am I not fearing the unknown & giving up on my desires?
Karma theory is not about analyzing someone else, it is about analyzing the self.
Hence, let me stop thinking of someone else's position.
Coming back to myself & my karma, why should I feel guilty about challenging a status-quo which make me feel uncomfortable? Should I spend this one precious life of mine in adjusting for someone else in a one-way relation? Is it necessary for me to live through it if I feel unhappy, sad, short changed?
Life is not just lived on a physical plane, it is lived on a psychological plane. There is no point in ensuring physical peace by adjusting, the self lives on in eternal mental turmoil. That will not help earn any good karma, this kind of stifled life generates negative vibes, it is like you have forced yourself to adjust, but you don't like it, you are full of negative feelings about the situation & the people who are involved in it. So though there is a physical peace, all the people are bound in karmic chains.
For now, I have learnt this lesson in karma: Karma is about your own mind, your own heart, it is about understanding your own self, your own strengths & weaknesses. Only the self knows one's own limits.
So, I have decided that I will not stretch when it hurts me, I will not do things that make me feel sad, I will try my best, but I will decide what is my best. I will continue to try understanding others, but I need not live only for others, either a relation is two way, or it is no way. Relations are not lived one way.
In any relation, there is a give & take out of love. But if I realize at one point that my mental state cannot cope with the situation, it is okay, it is my life, and I have a right to live it the way I want as long as I am not hurting others. Everything that I think cannot be wrong, people should also accept that there are things wrong in them. Karma theory is not just about me trying my best to give, it is okay for me to decide & prioritize my life.
It is not wrong to challenge wrong status-quos.
When anesthesia was first discovered/invented, the priests opposed it, they said that the sick deserved the pain!! When forced Sati was abolished, some sections of society opposed it. When the first child widow went to school, her father was chided.
Where my independence is thought to be 'wrong', I refuse to belong. I refuse to belong to a system which thinks all its thoughts are right, mine are all wrong, and that it is 'right' of me to accept the status-quo and 'wrong' of me to challenge to status-quo.
'Right' or 'Wrong' are very relative words when it comes to personal lives. What is convenient is usually passed of as right. What is inconvenient & draws discomfort is dismissed as wrong.
A 'wrong' person cannot fit in a 'right' system. A 'right' person cannot fit in a 'wrong' system.
And every person has a right to decide what they want out of life, without imposing their decisions on others.
If I am continually wrong about something in a system, perhaps I do not belong in that system, perhaps that is my karma. And my life is not about living in fear, it is about living to get the best out of it.
The biggest paradox in all this is: When I think I am adjusting for someone and I at least look for some appreciation, I see none coming. Because according to their system of thought, it is their right and my duty to be in that situation. They see nothing wrong in it, they would probably find it extremely wrong if I challenged the status-quo. I guess these things are what people try to study under 'Human culture'. I try to wonder, have I ever behaved this way, assuming a status-quo which is convenient to me while inconveniencing another? No, I do not think so. But yes, because I live life the way I want, perhaps I have not performed certain ritualistic duties that somebody else in my position may have unthinkingly performed. But I am not a reckless person, I make sure not to impact others with my confusions. I only impact others when I refuse to put up with their confusions.
Life is a continuous learning process, all the way, every way...
I was really amazed, that I am learning much more about the evolution of culture/desires by watching animal behavior films narrated by David Attenborough!! I never realized, that I would understand human beings through animals :-)

On Bombs and Bolts

Last night, it rained so heavily, the skies were overcast, the clouds had a fury... And the thunder, o my God, I woke up in the middle of the night, somewhere fell a thunderbolt, with such surging power, so loud, deafening, it shook the earth... I shivered, I didn't think of it being mere thunder even in my wildest dreams...
I was convinced that a bomb fell over Manhattan!! Just the other day, alert citizens & police had foiled an attempted bombing... I was still in that mood, reading the papers, watching TV, all the media coverage on the plot...
So no wonder, when I hear such a deafening boom (BOOMm actually) in the middle of the night, jolted out of sleep, I thought it was a bomb!!!
I felt bad for all the people who have to live through bombs... How must life be for innocent civilians who live in areas ridden with conflict... Perhaps they wake up every night with such noises, only that it is really bombs dropping from the sky.. Perhaps this is how it was during World War II...
For me, apart from the few seconds of worry, it turned out okay, it was just a thunder storm..

Digressing from the topic (as usual), the word "Bomb" actually comes from the root word in Sanskrit, बम्बका, 'Bambaká', which means something that has a very huge impact/noise.
Probably some ancient Indian heard such a thunderbolt like I did last night, and came up with this word! Or the weapons of warfare described in ancient India inspired the word...
 But in Kali kaalam, Bombs are planted by unethical faceless coward enemies who want to paralyze society with fear... That's why the word "Terrorism"... Terrorism has no aim/goal, it's ultimate goal is to just create terror, terrorize, it's sadism, it is the means as well as the end. Hopefully, it doesn't end society, society will end it.